Should adoptive parents of internationally-adopted children search and open adoptions?
by Jane Brown
Many who have adopted internationally at least flirt with the idea of searching for additional information about their child's early history before adoption and/or for their child's birth family. Is this appropriate? If and when adoptive families are able to obtain identifying information, should they move forward to actually contact birth parents? What are the outcomes-- predictable or not-- for all of the players who are involved (birth parents, adoptive parents, non-adopted siblings in each family, and for the young adoptee)? Is open adoption different in international adoption than it is in domestic adoption?
Much of what guides my thinking comes from the following sources: adult adoptees and birth parents who have connected with each other after the adoptees reached the age of majority, adoptive families who have been involved in domestic open adoption and others involved in international open adoptions, conversations with adoptive parents who are considering searching, direct work with adopted youngsters who speak of their thoughts/feelings/fantasies about their birth families, and my own personal experiences as an adoptive mother involved in two open, international adoptions with three of our nine children (who are now adults). I have had the pleasure and challenge of learning the ropes of negotiating open adoptions without benefit of a model, since our initial meetings with birth families occurred over twenty years ago at a time when the term "open" adoption had not yet been coined and no one we knew had ever entered into an open relationship between birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. We proceeded on instinct, emotion, and guesses. Our path led us to make mistakes, but to also come upon sensible, helpful, constructive ways to meet the challenges. Never, though, have we found it easy, uncomplicated, a complete "fix" for adoption losses, or a straightforward path. My opinion is that this is always the case-- open adoption leads to a very complex set of ever-unfolding, never entirely predictable, not always positive relationships, sometimes very wonderful relationships and opportunities for personal growth amongst the various players in the adoption triad.
From my observations and experiences, international open adoptions are distinctly different from domestic open adoptions for many reasons. Language and culture is an enormous barrier in most cases. When translators interpret questions, comments, and the expression of feelings, they can not get it absolutely accurately and completely-- and all parties have difficult feelings that occur as a result that reverberate long after the infrequent and all-too-short meetings. Did the interpreter leave things out? Did he decide to soften words or expressed feelings? Did he grasp the importance of interpreting my question/answer as accurately as possible? Did he put his own spin on what was said because of his biases or misconceptions about adoptive relationships? Cultural nuances are critical. How one interacts politely-- from giving/receiving gifts, making eye contact or not, defining what personal space is appropriate, to understanding how family dynamics normally work in the other's culture-- these things shape the relationships that start up and evolve. They shape expectations, behavior, and interpretation of reactions to words and behavior. At THE most emotionally-loaded moments in the lives of adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents, language barriers and cultural differences get magnified to enormous proportions.
Who should engage in search and how far, if at all, is it all right for adoptive parents to go in searching for their children? There is great controversy surrounding the question of who has the right to search. Many internationally adopted adult adoptees, adoptive parents of mature families, and adoption professionals believe that only the adoptees, themselves, should search-- even for information that could later hasten a reunion or make successful connections more probable. Why? They point out that two more losses occur when adoptive parents search FOR their adopted child. Yet there is a flip side to this argument, too, that I'll discuss later.
The first is loss of control over the decision and timing of a search. In adoption, every player experiences great loss of control and the feelings that tend to accompany that. Adoptees grow to know that others made life-altering decisions for them that sometimes work out well, sometimes do not. Birth parents, social workers, judges, foster parents, adoptive parents make decisions which profoundly affected who they became and how they see themselves. These are things that non-adopted persons do not experience and set them apart from most others. They, like the other players in the adoption triad, tend to want and need to regain as much control as possible in their lives and so, tend to deeply resent that others would take from them this last bit of control over the decision to search or not.
The second is loss of how the search is conducted and the time table along which the search proceeds which, say adult adoptees and many professionals, is important to adoptees in terms of identity development. Many to most adult adoptees who search stop and start a multitude of times-- not because they are stumped by what to do next, but because they make a series of decisions as to whether to continue on with their search. Some obtain information on paper and then decide for a period of time or permanently to stop there. Others stop and then later decide that they want and need more. Some decide that they don't want to complete their search to the point of actually meeting with birth family members. Some want only to meet with birth siblings. Some agree to meet only with their birth mothers, others go on from there some time later to meet their birth fathers, if the birth parents don't live together. Each search is unique not only in how it ends up, but in how it proceeds to whatever conclusion it comes to. When adoptive parents take over and direct that process, the adoptee does not get to make the decisions and does not get to process and come to terms with what is occurring at his or her own pace. Many feel sure that how the search evolves is as important and life-shaping as whether or not birth parents are ultimately found and met.
Some adoptive parents and adoption professionals state concerns that if adoptive parents let the trail go cold, the information they might be able to obtain NOW could be lost forever or become extremely difficult for their child to retrieve years later. Orphanages close or burn down. Foster parents move or die. Caregivers who found, cared for, and knew the child don't stay on forever. Paper documents and notes may be deliberately or inadvertently lost or destroyed. These are the type of scenarios adoptive parents worry may happen. They wonder whether their sons and daughters may find fault with their decision to not try to find and keep as much information as they possibly can while it is still available and may be accessible.
One other decision that adoptees make for themselves when they are the ones who search and locate birth parents is how many meetings they are willing to have, how often they have contact, what is shared during those meetings or phonecalls or in letters. They develop their own set of expectations that usually shift and change as they get to know more about their birth family. They also get to learn about and decide how to respond to the birth parents' expectations. One adult adoptees tells that after finding her birth mother, the birth mother expects her to come to visit and spend holidays with her. That is very far from what the adoptee wants or needs as she feels that she already has a family and was not looking for a new "mommy." She would prefer to have a much more limited set of contacts and to gradually decide for herself how much of her life she wants to share.
When adoptive parents conduct not only the search process, but then arrange for subsequent contacts between themselves and the birth family, the adoptee, again, loses any degree of choice and control. While some adoptive parents say that they involve their son or daughter in decisions, they may be unaware that their child may feel an enormous amount of pressure to live up to their expectations and those of his/her birth family rather than be able to say what he/she really would prefer to have happen.
Another potential problem in open adoptions is that all parties-- the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the adoptees enter into an open relationship with needs, fantasies, beliefs, and expectation. Sometimes these are in conflict. When adoptive parents have a great need to express their gratitude to birth parents for providing, in their eyes, the opportunity for them to be parenting the child they love and act on that need by going overboard to shower the birth parents with kind words and gifts, the child's needs may get lost in the shuffle. Adoptees may also feel gratitude to their birth parents and may come to develop empathy for what they experienced in relinquishing their child. At the same time, however, they may need to work out feelings of anger that the birth parents made the decisions that they did. They may struggle with feelings of shame over having been born to parents who couldn't or didn't raise their "own" child-- in the words of Society.
Sometimes birth parents are thrilled to see the child they decided not to raise and enter into the relationship with gusto, but later need to pull away when their expectations are not being met or their own feelings become too overwhelming. They may decide not to see or write to or receive calls from the adoptive parents or adopted child-- temporarily, for an extended period of time, or permanently. This loss is usually even more devastating and intense than the first one was. It is difficult enough for an adult adoptee to accept his or her birth parents' decision to stop communicating. It is that much more difficult and undermining for that to happen to a child or youth.
Not all birth parents are happy to be found and contacted. Some refuse to write or see the child they relinquished or to even give over information that the adoptive parents would like to have. They may not be willing to give even medical history when a child is desperately in need of that type of information. Then, young adoptees experience increased feelings of having been rejected. This, too, is devastating for children who may then begin to see themselves as being flawed and/or unlovable.
When adoptees and adoptive parents begin to search with the goal of establishing a one-time meeting or a long-term relationship with birth parents, they need to be prepared for all sorts of unpredictable outcomes. They may learn information that is painful, startling, and confusing or undermining to the adoptee's sense of self. One family learned that the birth mother had tried to murder the child. Another that the birth mother had relinquished in order to try to protect herself and the child from an abusive husband-- the one she still lives with. One family learned that one of the birth parents had been incarcerated, another that a birth parent lives in a mental health hospital. Adults have a tough time accepting that this is a part of their backround. Children, who have not even made the conscious choice to obtain information struggle even more mightily with receiving backround history of this type. Sometimes, too, what is learned is inconclusive. If the alleged birth parents are unwilling to agree to DNA testing, the resulting mystery can be very tough for an adoptee to live with. It is a huge responsibility for adoptive parents to make these decisions for their children.
When adoptions are open, the adopted child is often not the only child who is affected by what evolves in the relationships that are established. There are often other children in the adoptive family and still others in the birth parents' families. It is important that relationships between/amongst siblings be respected, validated, and supported. This is sometimes difficult when grown-ups weight different types of sibling relationships differently. For example, sometimes birth parents believe that the only sibling relationships that are authentic are those between siblings who are genetically related. Adoptive parents may refer to the relationships amongst the children in their families as 'real' while discounting those that an adopted child has with his or her biological siblings. This can sometimes cause complications at best, major problems that escalate over time at worst.
Even when the outcome is very positive, the real challenge is to figure out how to live with the fact that the adoption is now open. When adoptions are open ones in the U.S., it is relatively easy and inexpensive to conduct an ongoing relationship. There can usually be regular and sometimes even frequent face-to-face visits that can be arranged. When families must travel to another country, arrange for interpreters to translate even a simple letter, and bear the financial burden, conducing an open adoption is very different. The child, birth parents, and adoptive family may realize that they could benefit from regular visits, but not be able to make that happen. A one- or two-time visit may leave everyone feeling very unfinished-- with a child having difficulty understanding why his/her parents won't go back every month or every summer. Birth parents can make unrealistic requests-- for a child to come alone and stay with them for a period of weeks or months or for a holiday. They may ask the adoptive family to provide financial assistance for another child. They may want more than the adoptive family is willing and comfortable with providing. While adoptive families and birth parents here in the U.S. may have access to counseling to help them deal with the issues and feelings that surface in open adoptions, birth families in other countries may not have the money or available resources to obtain that. Another obstacle is often the way that culture looks at going after mental health support services.
Adopted children grow up, of course! If they are involved in an open adoption, at some point they will probably expect and demand that their adoptive parents back away from the relationship and contacts that are taking place between them and their birth family members. This can be very difficult for adoptive parents who may then feel threatened, jealous, unneeded, worried, concerned about things that they are seeing that they think are destructive, and left out. When one adds language and cultural differences into the mix, things often get quite complicated and can be extremely upsetting and comfortable for all involved. Adoptive parents who seek to open their child's adoption must be ready and willing for this-- and committed to evolving healthy communication and relationships as they go-- usually with the help of therapist. They must know, however, that birth family members will probably NOT have those same types of supports and opportunities to receive psychological help so that they can continue to act in the child's best interests.
On the other hand, many families tell us that they have wonderful, growth-producing, expansive experiences with opening an international adoption. Many relate stories about how their child blossoms as he or she finds answers to questions that would otherwise have been left to the realm of the unknown. Many adoptive parents and birth parents establish close relationships and embrace each others' role in the life of their shared son or daughter. Many tell us that while the relationships are ever-changing, complicated, and never easy to keep on an even keel, they would not have it any other way!
Only a very few adult adoptees have been a part of open or semi-open international adoptions. That means that there is little for current families to be able to look at to know whether this is typically a positive or destructive path to take. Families who decide to search for and make contact with birth parents have to accept that they are taking risks and probably cannot anticipate the problems or joys that may lie ahead. They have no way to assess how their children may, at some point in the future, criticize or thank them for moving ahead into unchartered territory.
Our own open adoptions came as surprises after we received our children. (We have two). We adopted two older children who came with a small backpack loaded with photos, letters, addresses, and phone numbers-- information that normally would never have been allowed to be sent or delivered. I took the information with me on a trip to escort other adopted children from Korea to the United States and showed it to an American nun who worked for years with Amerasian children in Korea. Without asking for my permission, she picked up the phone and CALLED the birth family! Before I knew what was happening, she was arranging for a meeting between me and members of the birth family. So began our open relationship that has been ongoing now, for many years.
Our other open adoption evolved because we brought a teenage girl into our home who possessed memories, memorized phone numbers and addresses for her birth mother in Korea, and had the address of her American birth father without our even knowing that she had these things. She corresponded with and called her birth mother on a regular basis right from the start and visited with her birth mother in Korea several times. Her birth mother eventually moved to the U.S. and is now a regular and cherished part of all of our lives. (That does NOT mean that we never felt or feel jealous, threatened, upset, confused, etc... or that the relationships have been uncomplicated or always comfortable). The relationship with her birth father started when she decided to write to him-- without our knowlege or permission. Suddenly, we received an unexpected phone call and were off and running with an open adoption on that end, too. Adoptive parents don't always get to choose-- sometimes open adoptions arise without their having made the decision to enter into these complex arrangements.
The other aspect of searching for birth families that parents need to consider is how they or their child might be taken advantage of and how their actions might impact adoption of children in their child's country-of-origin. Both of these are serious matters to consider. There are many people who would eagerly profess to search and could then offer up information or possible birth family members for a fee. There motives, their honesty, their ability to really gather any information would be difficult for an adoptive family to assess. The repercussions in the villages, towns, cities, and governments that adopted children have come from are impossible to anticipate. Sometimes the result has been that governments tighten the reins on allowing anyone to have access to any information-- something that adult adoptees really fear. Sometimes new regulations or restrictions are put into place that slow down the adoption process of children and adopting parents. Sometimes, if adoptive parents bungle these investigations and cause hurt, adoptions are stopped all together. Sometimes searches result in a complicated and ugly battle over custody of a child that impedes adoption and/or the ability of others to engage in searches. All of these things should be considered before a family arrogantly starts to search without doing so carefully and sensitively with professional guidance and assistance.
No one should or can tell what is right or best for each individual adoption triad (comprised of birth parents, adoptive parents, and child/children). We will learn more as we are able to watch the very few open adoptions that have evolved. Few of the children who have been involved have reached adulthood and we have not yet heard much, if anything, from birth family members or adoptive parents of what they think and how openness has affected their lives. What we can tell adoptive parents is to think about all of this VERY carefully, to seek professional counsel so as to determine whether it is their child's or their own needs that they are seeking to meet by searching on behalf of a pre-adult adopted son or daughter, and to know what the pitfalls could be. These are not decisions that should be made casually, hastily, or without the advice of a knowlegable adoption therapist.
Few of us in the international adoption community can envision what the Future may hold in terms of our ability to search and find birth families. Years ago, we told almost every family that finding birth families was Mission Impossible-- yet today, adoptees or birth parents are initiating the process of search in many countries throughout the world and are finding each other. Sometimes it is the adoptees who go looking in their countries-of-origin. Sometimes it is the reverse with birth parents traveling to or emigrating into the U.S. and initiating the search process from their end. Those who search and think that they have found each other are verifying their genetic connections through DNA testing. In the Future, as technology makes it increasingly possible for genetic connections to be accurately and quickly determined, contact between adopted persons and the birth parents who gave them their start in life will probably increase dramatically. These are important matters for adoptive parents to consider and begin to talk over with their children as they grow. It will be a delicate balance between preserving hope and optimism that many things will be possible for many that may not be now, while helping adopted youngsters accept the reality that this will likely not be possible for all in terms of identifying and verifying their history before adoption.
Jane Brown M.S.W.
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Jane Brown is both an adoption social worker/educator and an adoptive & foster mother of nine children, some of whom are now grown. She lives and works in Arizona. She serves on the editorial board of Adoptive Families Magazine and writes a regular parenting column for the publication. She is the creator of Adoptive Playshops which is a series of workshops for adopted children age five+, their non-adopted siblings, and adoptive parents in which children are helped through playful, multisensory activities to explore growing up in an adoptive family and racial identity, plus develop skills for dealing with societal attitudes and beliefs about adoption and includes helping children resist and confront racism and bullying. She can be reached at: janebrown77@earthlink.net or at: (602) 690-5338.